


18 June 1996

by fangsandfeds (sweeneybearsam)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Mentions of Harry - Freeform, Other, Post-Order of the Phoenix, Tumblr Prompt, mentions of sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 20:10:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6298513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweeneybearsam/pseuds/fangsandfeds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I got a prompt to write a journal entry for the night Sirius died. Here it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	18 June 1996

##                                                                                                                                18 June, 1996.

> I don’t know what to say. Or feel, or do. We knew this war was incoming… we’ve known for a while. Dumbledore warned us once it was time to recall the Order, and I was prepared for this. For a return, and a fight. I wasn’t prepared for what happened in the Ministry of Magic tonight, though. It wasn’t what I’d prepared for. And as badly as I want to break down and lose my mind, I know I mustn’t… because Harry lost someone tonight, and while I feel that loss as well, he needs someone to support him right now. 
> 
> He is so very like James… I saw it  more clearly tonight than I have in the short time I’ve known the boy. His heart is filled with drive and determination and loyalty, and what he endured tonight… there is no way to put that into an intelligible formation of words. I suppose that’s why I am writing. I can allow myself a few moments of weakness here, in these pages, that I can’t afford in the waking world, not now. 
> 
> **_Sirius is dead_. **
> 
> Those words pierce my soul to write. Padfoot is gone, and he leaves me the last Marauder standing. He leaves me with a pain in my being I’d only felt once more, back when James and Lily died, and I believed Sirius had killed Peter. I watched his bitch of a cousin kill him, his body fading from sight, and I could only barely contain Harry for fear of him following suit. Oh, the way that wounded me, to have to hold him back as he wailed and bellowed and fought to get to Sirius… I hated doing it. I wanted to do much the same, but I have a job to do.
> 
> With Padfoot gone, I am the one Prongs would expect to watch for Harry. It’ll be hard, I know that. We’re only at the end of the first battle and this isn’t even nearly done… so I must channel my energy into helping the Order and into keeping him safe. Its what James, Lily, and Sirius would want.
> 
> Its funny to me that I can write James’ and Lily’s names and it only makes me a bit sad after all this time, but I feel as though my heart has been torn from my chest, still beating to write Sirius’. I’d assume its because the grief is still so raw… I’m allowing myself to weep for the time I write this, because then I need to control myself. 
> 
> What’s most troubling is that I’m not alone in my overwhelming despair. I can feel Moony, scratching under the surface and I wonder if he knows that his Padfoot is gone… if my pain translates, even without the moon. He’s only just gotten his companion back, and now he’ll have to go back to being alone… and it wounds me. His confusion brings a side of me I’d long forgotten could be felt in the absence of the full moon, and it concerns me…
> 
> This is all over the place, and I keep coming back to wanting to write his name. To say it aloud and to hear it in the air, because its second nature to me. I can’t bring myself to return to his home for my belongings… not yet. I can’t face those empty halls, and walk into the rooms he hated, that he only endured for Harry’s sake, and for the Order. 
> 
> I fear when I do return, it’ll be much like my return to Godric’s Hollow. I’ll be unable to feign bravery in the face of the reality of the losses suffered. That house holds so much pain and anger, but in the past year or so, it also holds memories that bring joy– reuniting with Harry, and nights where we’d sit up talking. We had so much to talk about, to make up for… and he will never know half the things I wished to say now. 
> 
> I’ll never get to tell him how sorry I was for allowing myself to believe what I did. He’d forgiven me, I know that, but I wanted to tell him how much regret I felt. I wanted to tell him how important it was to me that we picked up as though we’d never left off, and that he was still my guiding light… my brilliant Dog Star. 
> 
> I grieved him once… and to be forced to do it once more is unspeakably cruel. And just as before, I must grieve in silence, and in solitary. Perhaps this is why I _should_ return to Grimmauld Place. So I can be where we last sat, and perhaps even he’ll hear my words. Perhaps he’ll know. 
> 
> None of this makes any sense, and I am grateful its only me who will read it…. my mind is racing and nothing is coherent. I should put this away now… I should be off to check and see what I must do next. 
> 
> Time to dry my eyes and reign it in… there’s a war at hand, and I need to be strong. 
> 
> – R.J. Lupin


End file.
